Saturday, December 04, 2004

Dream On...

So I had a dream two nights ago that bothers me. I'm at my history final exam review and Cute Frenchboy is there (and he even speaks French!). We basically flirt like mad throughout the whole review, but I keep wanting to ask him what his email address is. So then we get a break in the middle of the review and, instead of asking for it or his cell phone number, I get up and get dolled up to go to a Persian party in the next room. When I get there, I say hi to everybody and I'm really excited to be at this party but I also want to get through it so that I can go back to Frenchie. So I'm speaking Farsi obviously this whole time until I get to one girl. I say "Salam" to her and she replies "whatever, I don't even want to be here." Then I say, "look I've got this hottie waiting for me in the next room, do you think I wanna be here?" Then she says, "so what? You're just gonna "do it" and then what?" And then I say, "I am not! I've never done that and I'm not planning on doing it today." Then she says, "Well if you want to be with him so bad what are you doing here?" I realize that she's right and I dash out (looking fabulous) to go back to him. Then I see him laughing and having fun with a 3 other girls and, it's like I'm invisible. I keep calling his name, and he doesn't even look at me.

Analysis: I think this dream indicates that those chains I thought I was free of are very much still attached. I never did pursue Cute Frenchboy. I had the opportunities, and I didn't take them because something was still holding me back. In my dream, when I had the opportunity to get Frenchie's number I immediately retreated into the Persian community even though it wasn't really where I wanted to be. I was happy there because I felt safe, secure, and the culture is so routine. But my routine was disrupted by the American girl telling me that this world is not what I really want. I think she represents my American self. She says that as long as I'm not compromising my morals there's no reason not to go have fun with people that I like to be around. When I went back into the "American" world, Cute Frenchboy didn't want me anymore. I think that's just an indicator of where I stand with him now; I had my chance, I retreated, and now my opportunity is gone. I may never see him again after Thursday. I have to stop living in fear.

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