Tuesday, February 22, 2005


I saw him yesterday. In front of Hughes-Trigg, he stood. Yes, it was my beloved French boy. I hadn't seen him in 3 months. I wanted to run up to him and see how he was doing, how his Christmas trip to France went, if he's really graduating this spring. But I couldn't...it was like I was on this moving walkway peddling quickly past him. Like I was on a moving train, banging on the windows, but he can't hear me from the depot. Why does it have to be like this?! I feel this emptiness without him. He was so dependable. Three times a week like clockwork he was there and a part of my life. He was my chance to change things, to start a new chapter in my life. But I didn't go through with it because I couldn't deviate from the path. I have to make sure the medicine part of my life is cinched before I can even think about my personal love life. I didn't start with him because I know I'm too passionate and love consumes me. Once I start the snowball, it grows and grows and I can't control it. He's a very passionate person too, so I knew the two of us would be awesome, but too consumed with each other to notice the rest of the world. And I have to be consumed with medicine right now. I can't deviate to be with him. I just have to hope and pray that once I know that my future is secure career wise (meaning after I hit submit on my application this summer), my chance won't be lost and I can finally indulge a part of my life that I've had to suppress for so long. He made me break the chains, but one can lead a horse to water, 20 cannot make her drink. He got me where I needed to be emotionally, but I couldn't go through with it until the circumstances allowed me to. I just hope I won't be too late...

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